Raise your glass.

How've you been?
Better than before. By, a lot.
Oh really? Why?
I don't know. I'm starting to think things through a little better. Things are still a little rough, but that must be life.
Can you tell me what's rough?
Should I?
I would like it very much if you did.
Well...I feel like school won't be hard because I actually want to apply myself. Things with my friends are better; I'm seeing them more.
How about things with your significant other?
Well, that's tough but I think it's going to get much better.
Why?
I love him. He loves me. We'll pull through whatever obstacle is thrown in our path.
How are you so sure?
We've been through a bunch already. Things can only get better from here.
Why the sudden optimism?
A lot of my frustration is going out through vices now. I won't take them out on him. I'm working so hard to make it that way. To trust him. I'm still stuck on the jealousy thing.
Really? Why are you so jealous?
Well, I don't know. There's so many other people for him. There's so many people who wish they were me and also people who are already in his life who mean so much. I guess, a lot of the time I feel second to those people, but that's fine. I can't be his number 1. That's just unrealistic.
I'm glad you've come to these conclusions on your own.
Like you would have influenced them at all.
Nope. You don't tell me enough normally. But today, you're especially talkative.
I told you. It depends on my mood.
What mood are you in right now?
I feel like I'm on top of the world.
You might potentially be bi-polar, don't you know?
Well, good thing I'm not a sperm donor.

In short...

And you are...?
Don't ask.
Tense?
Obviously.

The Lives and Times.

You told someone?
Well, I didn't outwardly say it. He kind of guessed.
You weren't serious then?
What does that mean? Are you saying I mentioned it on purpose?
Yes.
It wasn't really that way at all. I mentioned how pointless school was.
And he figured out you were going to kill yourself from that?
Why do you sound so upset?
I'm not upset. Just confused.
You sound mad that I didn't go through with it.
You had a time?
Tomorrow.
Oh.
Yeah.
At least you realized the problem.
No, at least someone made me feel like I mattered.
And your little lover boy didn't do that?
That's rude. You know that situation.
Well, yeah I do, but that doesn't make me not wonder.
You're being a real bitch today.
You're a real bitch all the time.

Things are so sporadic.

So, you're saying that you're not sure about living anymore?
Yeah.
That's not how you should feel.
So what? I'm not supposed to feel anything it seems.
Why do you want to die?
Life is boring. Things are always so complicated, and even though it's because I sometimes make it that way, I start to wonder how many people are actually genuine. I wonder about why I should follow all these rules that society has laid out for me. Without them I'll die. With them I'll be miserable. I'd rather die than live miserably.
Not all people end up miserable once they start working.
I'm not saying that.
What are you saying?
I'm saying that after 30 years of service, you get sick of it.
You won't have the same job forever. It can always change.
That would make me upset, regardless.
You're telling yourself there's no reason to live. That there's nothing that will make you happy. You're going to buy into it and make excuses to not live.
That sounds logical.
What about him?
Yeah, what about him?
Are you trying to avoid my question?
I don't know, do I sound like I am?
So, you're frustrated with him?
Not him.
Then, something to do with him?
Yes.
Is that why you're so miserable?
Wouldn't you be miserable to?
I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what the problem is.
There's a lot to it...I've been drawing pictures that are disturbing to me and I'm the one drawing them!
You keep getting off the topic.
This has something to do with the topic.
How? Tell me how.
Have you ever felt like someone's favorite sweater?
Over worn?
That's it.
He makes you feel over worn?
I feel like a sweater.

Find a cure for my life.

How's life?
Amazing.
That sounds much different than what you said a few days ago.
Well, that was a different time.
How have things changed?
I've let out all the frustration.
Through, crying?
Yeah. What else?
I wouldn't know.
You claim you know me so well, why don't you know?
Well, that's not what I claim at all.
Stop that. You do know me.
I think I regret that you're right.

It's like the world gets bigger and I stay the same.

How have you been lately? I haven't seen you in a while.
Well, I've been crying. Pretending.
Pretending? To cry?
No, no. I was told to pretend to be a normal person.
Who says you're not a normal person?
Everything I do and say makes me not a normal person.
That's really only an opinion.
I'm here talking to you aren't I?
A lot of people do this.
I don't know any of them then.
Tell me why you think you're so different.
I can't really explain it that way. I think differently about things. No matter how hard I try, I can never really see a point in living. After a while I just tell myself it's for certain people. That gets me by.
That's awfully selfless of you.
Well, suicide is apparently awfully selfish.
It is viewed that way sometimes.
The way I see it, if you're not happy and nothing you've tried has made you happy then the people around you should allow you to do the only thing that you think will make you happy.
That's an interesting point of view.
Yeah, and it's great because instead of being the selfish one, it makes everyone else look selfish.

I don't do this often...But I feel like I'm a liar sometimes.

Why were you crying?
For some reason everything's a lot less bareable than it used to be.
Why is that?
I don't want to tell you.
Why not? You know why I'm here. I won't judge you.
That's a lie. You judge me all the time. You judge everyone.
Well, that's just human nature I suppose.
Then, you lied.
I guess I did. Doesn't mean I will in this situation though.
What have you judged me on? Like, what things have I told you that you judged me harshly for?
How much you love that boy, I guess. That and how harsh you are on yourself, when you have absolutely no reason to be.
That's what everyone says, but I don't believe a word of it.
Maybe you should. It would make you look less pretentious.
That was nice.
Yeah, speaking of that, how is the boy?
I don't want to talk about it.
Why not?
I've had a recent epiphany regarding him and it's not a nice one.
What epiphany was it?
What you mentioned a little while ago.
Loving him too much?
(Silence)
Oh dear.

Explaining things was never a strong suit of mine.

Why are you frustrated?
Everything's too complicated.
Maybe everything's not complicated enough.
It's that kind of thinking that has me here in the first place.
Well, maybe you could explain some of the things that have you so frustrated.
I hate explaining things. I never explain them right.
Try.
You always tell me that.
My job is to help you with your problems.
I don't see why I have to try then.
I can't help you if you don't tell me anything.
Then I guess you're not very good at your job then.
(Silence) Why do you make things so difficult?
When frustrated, people tend to make things difficult for the people around them.
Really now?
At least that's my logic.
Maybe your logic is messed up.
Maybe your books are wrong.
I love that you always say that to me.
Well, you went to school for this job. School is nothing but books with information.
Maybe I'm good with people.
Then why are you no good with me?
I couldn't answer that, even if I wanted to.
What a typical come back.

Places I will never go.

Self mutilation...it says here you attempted suicide. 6 times?
Yeah. Maybe not six. I think they're exaggerating.
It says 3 times overdose. Suffocation. Stabbing yourself and Drowning.
Wow, that would be six.
So, would you explain those to me?
Well, I didn't like life. Why else would I try to kill myself?
Were they consistent attempts?
No. They were at different times. Mostly.
Mostly?
I didn't hate life all the time.
What made you no hate life?
People.
Certain people?
Well, yeah. People in the general term make me want to die.
So, people make you want to live and want to die?
(Laughter)That is a bit of a contradiction.

Things that relate to me all have to do with incompetance.

What exactly happened?
I was useless. He needed my help. She needed my help. I was unable to provide that help.
Why?
Because, I don't know. For him it was because I was on the phone with her. And...well, I didn't know what to say to her.
Well, why didn't you?
I don't know! I've never been in that situation before. Well, I have but...
But?
But I've never been able to make any sense of it myself.
What have you not been able to make sense of?
The whole, loving thing. How people can hurt you even if they claim they love you.
Ah, that is a difficult topic.
I've decided they never loved you if they hurt you but...I ask myself all the time if that's the truth. If, the truth is...that they actually loved you, but in their rage felt the necessity to take it out on you.
Why would you take out your pain on someone you love?
Because, if they love you too...and you've been together long enough...that person knows you well. In your anger, you don't know who else...
Yes?
You trust them enough to stay after you mutilate them.
That's never the case though, is it?
I guess that's just because no one's ever looked at it that way before.
Have you ever mutilated someone you loved with words?
Well, no one I genuinely loved.
Have you ever been mutilated with words?
I won't recall.
Won't?
That's another touchy subject.

The handeling is not the hardest.

Let's get back to why you don't like yourself.
That's not true at all.
But, weren't you saying you weren't pretty?
Well, my self image hasn't always been so outward, and certainly I don't go out of my way to say I'm attractive...
But you don't think you are?
This is hard for me.
Well, just answer the question. Are you pretty?
Not on the inside.
(Laughter)That's just blood and guts though.
No. It's thoughts and emotions.
Ah, that inside. Why is your 'inside' so ugly?
That's another tough topic.
Sometimes I wonder if we'll ever be able to touch those topics.
Probably not.

I talk a lot when I dream.

Now, tell me more about this change.
Well,it's odd because I've been this way before. So, mostly it's a change back.
To the old you?
Well, that's what I call her.
I thought you said she was in your head?
That too. I told you, it's all really complicated.
Make it less complicated then.
It's hard to word things like this.
Try your best.
She sits there and tells me I'm wrong.
There's a house. She walks through it. The whole place is messy and disheveled, like someone was writing a book but got too carried away. There's stacks of paper every which way. She picks up little stacks of it at a time to put in this massive filing cabinet that she keeps in the dining room.
Well, what's supposed to be the dining room.
She makes my life difficult. She's always telling me I'm wrong and that I'm a horrible person. She contradicts all my thoughts. She intimidates me and instigates bad situations. She's nicer when I drink or get high.
So, she's like, an alter ego?
No. Alter egos are wanted.
Not necessarily.
But aren't they nicer to their real self?
In most cases it would seem that way.
She's only nice to me when I'm almost dead.

I feel like I should be sleeping.

How do you feel today?
Good, a little sick.
What kind of sick?
Nauseous.
Oh, why?
Medicine...not eating right.
That's not good.
I know that.
Well, what would he say?
He wouldn't be too happy.
You don't want to make him unhappy, do you?
No. This is all very hard.
I know.
I know you know.